Initiating Change

Kelly started it.
She was the one who initiated the year of change. I dragged my feet, afraid of being uncomfortable and not afraid enough of being stagnant. I currently have the luxury- the choice to change- as compared to those whose lives are swallowed up by events that force them to change. Everyone experiences the imposed change sometime in their life: the move, the disappointment with planned expectations, the sickness or disability, the loss, etc. And there are few too many things that are worse than an imposition of change that you didn't expect and certainly were not ready for.

Over the past four and a half years at my job, lovely co-workers are always leaving (30+ and counting). My workplace is in a constant state of regeneration : microscopically healing the wound of another lost friend and amazing therapist. Like a scab, we clot over a recently emptied desk to make the loss less visible and contained to itself (No one else think of leaving!). Our emotions, however, phase through the inflammatory cycle and we question: What do I look forward to at work now?. Beyond that, I am shuffling between my petty crises (bathroom mirror) and real crises (the cancer that strikes back over and over again in very dear patients). I feel ridiculous when it is the bathroom mirror (which I so badly wanted to hang before the goodbye party but ran out of time!) that is the last straw that sends me into tears.

Faith. Faith to step out of a comfort zone toward something that is real, meaningful, and will result in growth. I believe in God. So why do I not trust my faith more? This is where I sit- in a comfortable -yet very uncomfortable- place that I am scared leave. I am waiting for the Anais Nin quote: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." To nurture the process and anxiety of change, I am watering plants, feeding the cat, reading short stories I loved in college: I am slowing down for a few minutes to process. To fall into a natural rhythm so I can process all that goes on in a busy world. And to think I was briefly thinking of buying an iphone!

I have started a new role in my current job with managerial properties. I psycho-somatic-ly conjured up an ulcer last week as I felt plopped into the middle of someone else's giant to-do list to which I felt no connection. I think it is going to be fine, though. I need to be uncomfortable right now- I need to change and grow and I am fortunate to be able to make that choice. I need to survive a change to build confidence. I am also going to sign up for a creative writing class with a Chicago writing company. And then maybe, just maybe, Ben and I can make some more changes to our family next year. And maybe I wont be terrified of making the biggest change a couple could make.